The experience of being in Tāmaki Makaurau, Auckland, starkly compared with being at Aotea, Great Barrier is such a dichotomy. Our lives have been turned upside down and while staying here I am reminded of how much I struggle with this place. The city leaps out with offers of many good and bad aspects.

The intense population, constant traffic and tangle of roads, concrete, steel and buildings all remind me of how the human species has lost its connection to nature. Poor decisions in looking after this land, and how many people are caught up in society's consumerism, it's a sad statement on what could otherwise be an amazing place. I find this place daunting and a little scary. I have to use google lady to navigate me anywhere through the spaghetti of roads. I feel a little unsafe here, which is odd cause usually I feel very confident anywhere. I am vulnerable right now!

On the flip side, this city offers opportunity amongst the chaos. There is a thriving population with potential. Many places around Auckland are hidden gems of nature, and there is a swag of great people that live here that truly care.

We are lucky to be staying with some of those people. Ray and Ginny. They are outstanding caring people that have offered us a safe haven. While we spend time decompressing from our exit experience on Aotea and trying to find a positive way forward for the future. We are so grateful and really could not have survived without this kind hand of hospitality.

Paddling under the Auckland harbour bridge is quite daunting. All that steel, concrete and traffic, and ludicrous thoughts pass through my mind like, I hope it does not collapse today? The water is murky, stirred up by so much boat traffic, the odd soft drink can floats on the surface, discarded or blown by a lazy human. Yet it is a stunning day and the ironic beauty is all around, with a clear blue sky, people out enjoying sports, each other's company, off fishing or yachting. Through this chaos I observe, I see life presents opportunities.

Emotions well up inside me as the last time we were paddling our wakas were in Waikaraka. The water was clear, we watched fish swim underneath, and there was not one sound of traffic, sirens or others. And if you did see another person there was a friendly wave of acknowledgment. It was a place we loved and cherished. It was growing on us, and we could start to see a future. I find silence from others speaks volumes to me. A non-action by some people I know, where it would have been appropriate to have sent some sort of message speaks volumes about who they are. It is disappointing.

There are days I feel back on track and a little excited at the possible future. There are days I cannot shake a dark cloud that hangs over me, sadness, a little anger, and definitely low energy. I hope these negative days become less, and I can cultivate more positive days moving forward.